Existentialist Humph!

It seemed that he had no theory with which to explain a moment like this... nor did I. Our only response was to keep on going and 'fuck everything'. pile misery upon misery, heap it up on a spoon and dissolve it with a drop of bile, then squirt it into a stinking, puerile vein and do it all over again. Keep on going, getting up, going out, robbing, stealing, fucking people over. Propelling ourselves with longing towards the day that it would all go wrong, because no matter how much you stash, or how much you steal you never have enough. No matter how often you go out and rob and fuck people over, you always need to get up and do it all over again. -Trainspotting

I'm really bad about taking notes on ideas I want to write down then being overwhelmed with the amount of elaboration and organizing I stick myself with. That's what I did with this month's blog, so what I'm doing now is typing off the top of my head, then I'll try and insert the little notes I wrote along the way.

Guilt is my number one motivator in life right now. It wakes me up. It gets the dishes done. It keeps me... So I cried repeatedly throughout the second half of my shift at work today. I don't think anyone noticed. I do things like this. What I had been taking pride in my life recently was my disinterest, then I fell for this girl for the million billionth time, then her sex life depressed me. I was upset that I was upset, after all I was in such a good place contented and alone. Avoiding problems was as simple as foreseeing them and walking away. As if, say, that person opposite me is an emotional burden, to avoid it was as easy as changing my course. I pulled myself out of the little rut I fell into. Within that time I even met a new girl. This all goes along with the girlfriend itch I've had, but I'll talk more on that a little later. Ok, so (1)I got over my little sadness and (2)met someone great, that's double good; existential angst avoided. This new girl was wonderful, tried to hang out with me all the time, has similar interests, and similar personality. Wonderful, things are going even better than before. I successfully avoided fake problems, luxury problems; no bitching about stupid shit that really isn't worth my time. My needs are met, no need to create problems out of nothing. What I'm avoiding is drama, the weight of it, often it's worth feeling, but right now it's not at all what I need to be focusing on. Disinterest maintenance should take priority. Now, this girl I'm really into does not want a relationship. This crushed me a lot more than I expected (see first sentence of this paragraph), I let her in too soon. I take these problems deeper than they belong, these problems bring about the faults in my job. I do not like my job, but on goodly absentminded days I don't mind it. But, all of the sudden what I'm doing has no meaning, I'd do better to walk off the job—this is how I feel. What I am doing didn't have meaning to begin with, no more meaning than the pay check and the few friendships I'm finding. I do not need to be an existentialist, life is a burden, I know, bearing that in mind will do me no good these days. There is literally no benefit to crippling myself in reveries. My reveries won't lead me anywhere I want to be. Yes, I'm writing now, I do want to write and think my life through, but I don't want to sit down and consider the weight of the world. There is a difference between this and the days I'm thinking everything should end.

So, I've had the girlfriend itch. Still do. Thought I almost had that trouble squared away, but no more, I guess not. I mostly want a girlfriend so I can feel safe to share sweetness with somebody. I'd like to put a stop to all the stupid over analysis, reading into signs and body language shit I constantly find myself doing. I don't like it, it gets old. I don't want the desperation. I don't want to have to reject and be rejected. I fucking obsess over strangers, I need to do something more productive with my attention. If it was an option to pay no mind, I'd choose that. En garde! So with this one that I thought might be mine: she made me feel amazing, she felt like a friend first which I love and I think I need; a girl that can be a friend first. It's not a terrible tragedy that she doesn't want a relationship, it's good, we should build our friendship, but I would prefer to do that with the notion that we're a couple. Oh well. She made me feel like I could completely open up, then I did, then she was gone. They're all gone. I am alone. I want to fight off jealousy and all those territorial inclinations. This is a fake problem. My life is composed of fake problems. I sincerely wish it would just stop sometimes, it's not worth it.

This is the existential angst in me I'd like to avoid.

I need to remember the sweet relief of friendships. I should not give in to false dependencies so quickly. I need to rely on what's worked until the new things have proven their worth. I'm stupid. What I say never goes. I'm a hypocrite. I've got to stay a hopeful romantic. I have to stop talking. All this what I need to do, what I should do stuff is getting ridiculous. I've got to remember that there's disinterest to maintain. I would like to delete this and start all over. I always want to delete everything and start all over. Too much of a scatterbrain it seems, should organize and revise.

Mine's been a vivid story, dimly remembered
and by the hundredth time it's told, halfway true
of bad behavior well engendered
what good is each good thing we think we do?
-The Sun & The Moon, mwY

This is turning out to be a cut-up of a blog. We're all thieves. I will never tell anyone the whole truth. I can't. I will explain one hypocrisy of mine: my friend was dating this girl that just pushed me away first, he didn't care so it doesn't matter, but it's a hypocrisy nonetheless. Actually, I think a second example of how I'm a hypocrite is in order: I repeatedly realize how some things are not worth it, cigarettes for instance, and I say I'm going to stop, I should stop, but I don't. How many reminders do I need to realize that something isn't worth it? That's what I'm trying to do here, with this inclination to sadness I have. I don't need this. I should continue the chase without the sadness. I need to relax. I need to not stare at my phone hoping to hear from her. These feelings are going to come and go always. I am going to feel this shit whether or not I want to, so I might as well make it easier on myself. This is about emotional intelligence. I am going to continue to distract myself, maintain my apathy. This is only in regard to these things that would otherwise hurt me, this is temporary, I'm advocating apathy here to help better myself. Here's to: relaxing, not waiting, and making no declarations; the good times are killing me. Just smile and walk on by, never mind all the comedy and tragedy.

That is all I wanted to write about this month. I might change this to bi-monthly, we'll see. And I was so happy to have avoided moroseness. The vices, hope, and cyclical emotions grow old and tired. I'm redundant. Time to sleep so I can do this all over again tomorrow, pray the dark lord my soul to lose. Excuse the various errors all over this blog...idc