Hardly Party

Instead of seeing a neighbor out  
God, I wish I would've found a way out
It's the last time
We were happy
Ever happy

I know I was a scout
I should've found a way out
So everyone could find a way out

Hello, it looks as if my ship's sinking again. O' what a predisposition to this I have! And on top of that I've got a tickle in my throat. And! And it's getting cold and wintry outside. Rather than coming here with a purpose,  I've got a few things on my mind I've come here to not write about .

I'm not trying hard enough to quit trying.

I can't get her off of my chest unless I'm sleeping on my side

So for starters I don’t give a fuck. I don’t mean that as an absolute statement. I do care, promise. My cares right now are just extremely narrow and self-important. Admittedly where I find myself is sad. Now to espouse on the title. I hear of opportunities to bring everyone I know together in celebration of us, them and myself, and I wonder why. I don't care. I don't care to celebrate myself. I don't care to celebrate, that inebriation is no more celebration than a reminder to forget what I've got going on in my life. I miss friends. I miss love. But these attempts at creating those things where they aren’t isn’t working. I don't give a fuck about partying right now. I'm going to do it as everyone else is weening off of it, but I am not going to put much effort into trying. The only things that I gravitate to right now are vices and finding a girlfriend. The vices make me numb, take me away from all the shit. It's only a little escape. A cigarette makes my head light. The drink makes me smile as if I'm less concerned. In regard to the girlfriend, Jane Doe is an absence. So, dearest females, please smother me with love and affection.

I’d arrest you if I had handcuffs
I’d arrest you if I had the time
I’d wait for you outside the courtroom
and taunt you when all your appeals were declined

I'll type about the two cats I live with: Selphie and Saris. These cats belong to my friend, room mate, and landlord. I have the same problem with these pets as I do any--they aren't human. They're both pushy. They don't understand that when I toss them off my lap, or out of my bed, that I do not want them to climb right back up. I'm a grouch to them 85% of the time. But right now I'm accommodating Selphie by reaching over her while I type, letting her sit on my lap. Selphie is the older of the two cats, she's no longer as frisky as she used to be, more a stuck up bitch these days. She always did her own thing but now she seems to enjoy herself less. I'm trying to learn something from these cats despite their inability to speak English. Saris is constantly batting things with her paws--that is her life. These cats will crawl on you and get thrown off time and time again, eventually they'll realize it's not happening and without fail they'll move onto the next person and try exactly the same thing. I've got other things going on for me other than these cats that keep me company but they’re very important to mention.

Here are some updates pertaining to my real life: I'm seasick and green with envy. Actually, I lied, I'm landlocked and still the same peach-pink fleshy color as usual. I have experienced huge mood swings and find myself walking off alone to stare at nothing, I am working a lot and might be changed from a dish washer into a server. I have moved out with friends. Those things are changes that most people I talk to regularly are well aware of. The biggest change of all being that I live away from my family. These are things that I have changed within this past month. I also intend to write RTD a complaint letter and ask a favor of them, if I do so I’ll post the letter here for everyone to read!

I've got a memory but I can't hear what you're saying
You're looking straight at me but I'm looking the other way

I made another observation of how life in the workplace is like playing house. Playing their game (house) ex. 2: giving into the chain of command; I could very well disregard the management and not get fired. I'm becoming a server; so and so got fired from her hostess position, somebody became her, and that somebodies role got filled by someone else, and so it is there is now an opening for a new life, and that new life just needs my identity.

Their voices were one in the same of a young, dumb girl having a conversation with herself. And even if I wasn't ready for another day I'm kind of fucked at this point.

I now say happy holidays because I don't know the meaning of the traditions I practice, I just enjoy the ritual at this point.

I make a point to not use people's names here, I’m protecting their identities more or less.

I could never have
Standing here with you
One regret
One mistake
Nothing we could do
After this is done
You can go your way
Don't forget
This is how
Everything should be
Don't you ever go

Throughout this whole thing was random lyrics from various songs I consider a little Novembre playlist. Feel free to make the playlist for yourself, there's no intended order for the songs or anything. They're just songs that've been stuck in my head throughout the month. And here’s a FOTC video too! This blog has lots of random stuff that I couldn’t find a true home for.


the whale song-modest mouse
drowning the old hag-fear before
handcuffs-brand new
paper bag-dear and the headlights
sick on sunday-dillinger escape plan
nude-radiohead (optional)

Summation: I'm forced to drown my nausea beneath the surface, but still it breathes and bubbles up, haunting me through all the songs and movies I've memorized. Yes, I'm even depressed at times. This is just how I am right now and most anything anyone will say to me isn't going to change that. I don't want friends trying to be my therapist. Just keep me company. Sinking strains on my public face, it's tiresome feigning a happier disposition. If I'm pacing or walking off to stare into nothing, just let me be. I'm sure there's something deep-seeded to this, but I can only account for what I know saddens me. I'm lovesick and I dislike working so much. I feel bothered, yet I still desire the love of some bird. Work people are monumentally nice but work is still work. Just do this for me as I’d do it for you—let me be.