There's a word for that. Is this necessary?

I cheered a glass of wine to myself this month and revisited me. I've been on the internet since 2006 doing shit like this. It's weird hearing things without saying anything. Being connected to people on the internet without having any irl relationship. I know so much random shit about people without being their friend. It's bittersweet. Some people would be fun to be closer to, others I'm happy to appease with internet friendships and no irl contact. I'm the only one entitled to say how crazy it's been that we haven't talked in years.

Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share  

-Simon & Garfunkel (knew what was up.)*

It's saddening to see myself repeat my old problems of which--despite any growth I might see--is always the case. I'm still conning myself into thinking a higher education is right for me. I still buy cigarettes. I still lurk randoms on the internet. I'm alright with these things. I drink a little too much wine and realize the truth of the matter. I've always been making promises to myself with the hope that someone else is is listening. (Credit: This Is Hell - Prelude (Again)). I'm done with that, at least publicly. As far as you're all concerned I'm content with things until further notice. I'll be done with this narrative soon enough.

I'm an old man. So the other day I went on a couple day bender. One night I got sloshed at a show and gashed up my shins and knees after falling when I was running in circles--well worth it. The next night I went out to a party with my friend and met a bunch of people, it was a late night but I didn't drink any hard alcohol. The night ended with an entertaining attempt at trying to retrieve my friends roommate's car from somebody he had lent it to, that failed, but we still got a ride to their place just the same--again, well worth it. The next morning I had to bus to work from my friends place. It was difficult to get up, but I've been that way since high school. The first thing that weirded me out was that as I was getting seated on the bus, as it was starting to go I lost my equilibrium twice. Almost stumbled into one guy and then another. It was funny but usually I have a better grasp on my faculties to handle standing up on a bus. Granted, I was hungover I've just never had a hangover wear on me that much. And the strangest thing that same evening happened, I was taking a nap in the shower, right? And I got a cramp in my side. I never have cramps. Cramps are for women. And since then the back of my thighs have been sore. It's all very new and strange to me. I don't think all of these things are actually signs of aging, just that I probably should take better care of myself.

It's funny thinking about my same sex relationships. I never know whether they're waxing or waning. I never know when an estranged friend will make me happy. I almost never see it coming. I also never anticipate their leaving. I generally am not saddened by it either. I'd love to keep certain friends around, but they come and go, no matter; even the best of them. It is very few of them that I'm always fond of, even fewer that I write off for some period of time. Idc

I have inadvertently began the past four paragraphs with alternating 'I's and 'It's' now that I've recognized the pattern I have no intent to stop. I read things wrong. Other people read things wrong. Messages aren't communicated. Messages are lazily put out there. It happens. I will think you meant one thing. I will think you were hinting at something. I will be wrong. You will hint things at me. I'll acknowledge it in the most nonchalant way possible. That's all. Idc.

It's been a month of some releases of bands I used to love more. Three to name: Blue Sky Noise, Goodmorning, Magpie, and We Were Exploding Anyway. Check 'em out if you want to confirm with me that she ain't what she used to be. Idc.

Scratched out a note I wrote for you
to wake and read
to know that I was there once
I knew that there was nothing that I could write to assure you
of my return
But all the paper said when I was done is
‘do you still want me?’
because I’d be terrified if I had to leave this place today
We haven’t saved the baby

As I said
my darling
spring is constantly calling me
and there’s no place that I’d rather be

I won’t be angry
if you have to leave,
but I won’t be waiting
for that day
So don’t say you’re sorry because
I won’t believe you

At the end of writing this (formerly midway through writing this) I lost interest. Go figure. I'd apologize but...idc. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Jk. Ily ttyl.

*quote addition 20100622

My Father's Son

One of the things I have in common with my father is the tendency to annoy people I like and feel comfortable with to the point of them being legitimately angry at me. My father recently had a friend of his die. Apparently my dad lost a lot of sleep over it, so I heard from my mom. My father seemed to try to put his friend out of mind to avoid all the ugliness dwelling on it brought upon him. In all of this, the only words I've exchanged with my father were whether he'd heard from his friends' family since last we talked, he hadn't. This to me is a reminder of my inability to be closer with my family. I'm not sure what to make of my father's coping mechanisms, or in how many more ways than one I am like him.

I'm not going to lie by saying I haven't done anything to cope—as if that bullshit didn't bother me. The most extreme example of this was trying to con an ex-girlfriend into a sleep over, to be fair I usually want to sleep with her anyway (and I do mean sleep). I succeeded but I didn't get much degree of comfort out of it. It's a little funny she can't stand me these days. Mainly to cope I just surround myself with friends I love, and occupy my mind with more positive things. It's tasking though, a lot of my friends—no matter how unrelated—caught this contagion from a new found acquaintance of theirs, I've been curing them one by one after being surprised by who all caught it. At least I got to feel heroic for a minute, like I had a purpose. When something bothers me, I get monomaniacal, I hate it. I feel better laughing it off, I'll laugh it all off. I'm over it.

I love the people I surround myself with. I can't help but think about it these days. Everywhere I go there's someone I love for some reason. I can get fucked up on wine, I can stay sober, I can be nonchalant and noncommittal, slightly different things for the lot of them. Point being: I've got friends. I can hang out with them on late nights, I can talk at length on the music we love, on very rare occasions we can sing along to the music we love. I can speak with 'em over the phone for hours. I can discuss books, ideas, movies, anything. These people are my family, coworkers, and above all else my friends. They've been here through the years, despite coming and going, and all changes considered they're still here. We choose who we stick with, and I'm pleased with the results of that. This is a bit ridiculous, but I felt the need to say it. This is one major difference between my father and I, he doesn't socialize much whereas I get obsessed.

So I still have a job, as unfortunate as that sounds it's not all bad I assure you. This job is enabling me to playact an adult. I never intend to mature in certain ways but this is all a lot of exhibition. Though this thing consumes so many hours of my week (38) and then some because of the commute, it's alright. There are hobbies I wish I had more time to pick up, but that's alright. Work is enabling be to: live away from the nest, pretend I care about my education, and buy nice things. It could lead to all sorts of other money related things, which great because everything is money. Everything has a price tag. Worth is measured completely in wealth! It's great. ½ jk. After six months of dishes, they finally promoted me to a full-time server. While this of course is not my passion, I enjoy this. I like my bosses. I have met interesting coworkers. I've gained a friend who without fail will kick it with me while I work, and he bums me so many cigarettes. Work keeps me connected to my mom, I only spend like a half an hour a day with her so I'm forced to actually update her on my life or ask about hers. I'm content with where I work, it doesn't suck.

I'm weirded out that out of all the music I've been listening to lately nothing is my favorite. I've even found some gems. But going to concerts is just sort of a checklist activity for me, if not an attempt to get back into bands I've stopped caring about. I'm still excited about a lot of the upcoming shows, and a lot of albums that are getting released, but it's a safe bet that I won't be blown away by anything. Lame.

MY HAIR IS THINNING. I CAN'T AFFORD ALL THE THINGS I WANT AND STAY WITHIN MY MEANS. A DROID PHONE, AN IPOD TOUCH, AN STD TEST, A NICE CAR, A POCKET WATCH, SOME PIERCINGS AND A NEW TATTOO, A SLEEP NUMBER BED, AND SOME NICE NEW SKINNY PANTS; I WANT IT NOW, DADDY.

“Complain! Complain! Life sucks anyway, if it's all so hard let them take it all away.”-Youth Brigade
It's eerie, I don't hate my life, (not even 1/3 of the time) though I still really like that song. I'm going to have fun with this while it lasts. I feel untouchable, and there's no way I'm letting go of that; aside from all those times I fall in love and get all vulnerable-like. Ughn!