There's a word for that. Is this necessary?

I cheered a glass of wine to myself this month and revisited me. I've been on the internet since 2006 doing shit like this. It's weird hearing things without saying anything. Being connected to people on the internet without having any irl relationship. I know so much random shit about people without being their friend. It's bittersweet. Some people would be fun to be closer to, others I'm happy to appease with internet friendships and no irl contact. I'm the only one entitled to say how crazy it's been that we haven't talked in years.

Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share  

-Simon & Garfunkel (knew what was up.)*

It's saddening to see myself repeat my old problems of which--despite any growth I might see--is always the case. I'm still conning myself into thinking a higher education is right for me. I still buy cigarettes. I still lurk randoms on the internet. I'm alright with these things. I drink a little too much wine and realize the truth of the matter. I've always been making promises to myself with the hope that someone else is is listening. (Credit: This Is Hell - Prelude (Again)). I'm done with that, at least publicly. As far as you're all concerned I'm content with things until further notice. I'll be done with this narrative soon enough.

I'm an old man. So the other day I went on a couple day bender. One night I got sloshed at a show and gashed up my shins and knees after falling when I was running in circles--well worth it. The next night I went out to a party with my friend and met a bunch of people, it was a late night but I didn't drink any hard alcohol. The night ended with an entertaining attempt at trying to retrieve my friends roommate's car from somebody he had lent it to, that failed, but we still got a ride to their place just the same--again, well worth it. The next morning I had to bus to work from my friends place. It was difficult to get up, but I've been that way since high school. The first thing that weirded me out was that as I was getting seated on the bus, as it was starting to go I lost my equilibrium twice. Almost stumbled into one guy and then another. It was funny but usually I have a better grasp on my faculties to handle standing up on a bus. Granted, I was hungover I've just never had a hangover wear on me that much. And the strangest thing that same evening happened, I was taking a nap in the shower, right? And I got a cramp in my side. I never have cramps. Cramps are for women. And since then the back of my thighs have been sore. It's all very new and strange to me. I don't think all of these things are actually signs of aging, just that I probably should take better care of myself.

It's funny thinking about my same sex relationships. I never know whether they're waxing or waning. I never know when an estranged friend will make me happy. I almost never see it coming. I also never anticipate their leaving. I generally am not saddened by it either. I'd love to keep certain friends around, but they come and go, no matter; even the best of them. It is very few of them that I'm always fond of, even fewer that I write off for some period of time. Idc

I have inadvertently began the past four paragraphs with alternating 'I's and 'It's' now that I've recognized the pattern I have no intent to stop. I read things wrong. Other people read things wrong. Messages aren't communicated. Messages are lazily put out there. It happens. I will think you meant one thing. I will think you were hinting at something. I will be wrong. You will hint things at me. I'll acknowledge it in the most nonchalant way possible. That's all. Idc.

It's been a month of some releases of bands I used to love more. Three to name: Blue Sky Noise, Goodmorning, Magpie, and We Were Exploding Anyway. Check 'em out if you want to confirm with me that she ain't what she used to be. Idc.

Scratched out a note I wrote for you
to wake and read
to know that I was there once
I knew that there was nothing that I could write to assure you
of my return
But all the paper said when I was done is
‘do you still want me?’
because I’d be terrified if I had to leave this place today
We haven’t saved the baby

As I said
my darling
spring is constantly calling me
and there’s no place that I’d rather be

I won’t be angry
if you have to leave,
but I won’t be waiting
for that day
So don’t say you’re sorry because
I won’t believe you

At the end of writing this (formerly midway through writing this) I lost interest. Go figure. I'd apologize but...idc. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Jk. Ily ttyl.

*quote addition 20100622