In Vitro (Spitfire Cover)™

Do I look like the kind of guy that threatens himself in the mirror? As I write this my mind is swimming in disarray; I lost sight of my days, I have a headache, and two unwelcome familiar ills seeped into my fucking chi. Cheer up, carry on, laugh it up. Perhaps this ship is disintegrating in the atmosphere. This one will mostly be about people, mostly me, and then probably a little you.

We freebased the world like a challenger explosion.
And lit up the sky so the world could see.
That the sleeping giant sky swats it's fly.
That the farmer beats his seeds back down to Earth.

I love us best when we aren't so desperately unrequited toward one another. When you don't nag me about how we haven't hung out. When we're having carefree fun. Guiltless and relaxed. I've had two extravagant and romantic outtings, at least, this month with my friends. 1! My friend randomly invited me to drink with him and some others in Boulder. Turns out they're all hanging out in a mansion! It was pretty cool, there was an elevator. And in that place of all places I got to try DMT. (The mansion in general, not the elevator.) It was aight. The night dragged on until sunrise. It was awesome. Of anything I want to remember of that whole outting is this: after the long night around noon some of us were leaving while most everyone was sleeping in later, but! the one who invited me was saying his goodbye to us as we left. He was walking away from us, trudging up the stairs, I said, "Thanks for inviting me," he stopped with his back still facing me, then turned to shoot me a thumbs up and a gigantic sardonic smile, then continued up the stairs. It's just a snapshot I'm going to try to keep embedded in my mind. 2! Ok so my company picnic this year was at Eltich Gardens. I spent a day with this friend of mine who had been missing in action for awhile. He's getting his life together or some shit like that. Whatever. Ayway, he accompanied me to our local amusement park.

THE CATORING WAS HORRIB-B-B-BLE. 

Moving on, I saw lots of coworkers and had brief superficial conversations blah blah blah fuck you. Once again all I care to disclose is one snapshot that summarizes the evening well enough for me. We ended our date with a ride on the ferris wheel. Very romantic. It's got these cool new lights outside it too, you can see them from like Colfax driving toward I-25. Good reminder that Elitches is there. On this ride we continued picking up wherever we left off in our friendship. He even tried to start small talk with this couple in the neighboring gondola on my behalf. What fun! Ok so anyway, it was night time: being on the ferris wheel was pretty, fireworks went off and there was a lightshow we could see, as well as a scenic view of downtown, and to top it off I smoked a cigarette because I'm a fucking cowardly rebel.

Alright, stories over, back to being cryptic. I now see your bus pass in the opposite direction and I am saddened by this loss. Like the one before you, you are actually missed. A feeling I'll gladly accept for the few days it resonates. It's all for the best and it's not over yet.

[Enter miscellany]
Why I'm ok being alone
Why I continue to smoke
Why I drink
Why I get frustrated
Why I will not tell you how I feel
Nothing changes
[Exeunt mescellany]

Is it that you actually want to tell this girl she is pretty or are you just avoiding telling someone else they're an asshole?

Sigh if you must over those people dwelling on day old drama. Though you've found it in your heart to move on, I know that you haven't outgrown your day old self.

As if beneath this paragraph was one word, covered up. A name etched in my mind and buried by words. Consider anything I write an open letter to everyone I'm not talking about my feelings with. Not anymore, this outlet is nowhere near the denial of emotion it used to be. There's still some catharsis in this act but this is nothing magical. Not even for me, this isn't necessary to go on, it's just something I practice and play with. I'm not one of those people that absolutely needs to create toward some end. I do not think I'm any better for this than anyone else is for whatever they occupy their time with. I do not even expect most people to read anything I write, ever, not even if I pour my time and effort into it. At least for now this is how I feel about the matter. I am disillusioned. I caught a glimpse of the person you could be, only to realize again and again that that person doesn't exist, not for me. Run on, fuck people and their friends over without a word or a thought.

"He did not take care of her and she died alone somewhere in the dark and there is no other dream nor other waking world and there is no other tale to tell... She was gone and the coldness of it was her final gift."

The thinking man has bad posture. Stop believing you think or feel more than everyone else because you caught some professor using poor grammar. Don't rest your head when you know you can't catch up on sleep.

I recently finished reading Dune. Now I want a concubine

Life passes with a bang!!!
It blows your mind or you get the hang.
It's the business end of a shotgun.
Eat the lead
Be masculine.
Like a gag ball in the mouth of a squealing pig.
Skin is fat
muscle food.
Loose meat is dead meat.

[Enter miscellany]
I'm devoid of tact, devoid of interest. I'm curious to meet your acquaintance but I'm above trying these days. I'm anywhere I go to play the same old games with my friends. Otherwise I'll be home alone doing things like this. Letting this void absorb me. Letting my agoraphobic walls close in on me. By the end of the two days a week I'm free from employment I'm too scared to leave or answer any phone calls because I do not know how to tell a cashier I want a pack of Camel Filters without thinking he's thinking I'm coming onto him. So if you were wondering why I seem shy or awkward that's probably it.

Buy brand name products. I do! It's worth it sometimes!
Feel an awful hell realizing spendthrift investments go very little distance. I do!


I just do.

I am more premeditated than I seem. How I do it is I make a plan, start doing it, and forget it was a plan. It turns into happenstance. It turns into something I'm just doing. Then when someone questions me I shrug my shoulders and say: nothing.

It is the time for reclamation. I've returned from the mount equipped with the commandments to escape falter. The bill has been passed, despite my endless vetoes and postponings. I'm determined to end the frustration and misdirection.
[Exeunt miscellany]

A shot in the arm
a shot in the dark.
Take it like a man.
Mainline to heart.
It's over.
Just take it slow.
Go with the flow in vitro

Speaking of which, if I had to pick a theme song for myself it'd be In the House - In A Heartbeat by John Murphy or Scala & Kolacny Brothers cover of Creep (Radiohead). Not sure which is more relevant to me.

I wrote most of this sober. I just didn't really have any clear intent or direction with any of it. That and I just left the document open on my computer for days on end.

It's been a year. Abrupt endings are the best. I'm moving onto another fishing hole, surely this one has run dry. This blog is complete or on indefinite hiatus from here on out. Alright, I'm done here.